I work in a place where Valentines days is everywhere. There are big cardboard signs that are pink and also red and they hang from the ceiling and you would probably be surprised to learn how many tries it took for me to spell "ceiling" correctly. There are so many words that I am so magnificently terrible at spelling. Consious. Conscience. That's it. I'm a little proud of myself that it only too two tries. Go, me. We're talking about love. Not spelling. Though spelling is sexy and should not be ignored. In the same way, love. Love should not be ignored. Segues are important. And also sexy. Just like spelling.
Do you know what happens when you Google something generic like "love"? I'll tell you, you're sent to this super official looking site that takes all the guess work out of your boy/girl stuff (or your boy/ boy stuff, girl/ girl stuff, baisically all combinations that are relative to my LGBT friends. I got you covered under a blanket generalization). You know it's legit because of all of the Times New Roman and correct uses of "affect" and "effect". Not to mention the timeless and personal advice.You're thinking, "I like So And So Jr. but should I even pursue it?" Don't sweat it, go to The Love Calculator. The Love Calculator is never wrong. See??
So I ask you, Dr. Love (who is, I'm pretty sure, Dr. Drew--I picture Dr. Drew anyway). How, uh--how's my 2011 looking? Got anything for me? Maybe something in purple bike shorts? A nice, tight package, perhaps? (That was too far, methinks)
Oh, sweet Cupp-in-cakes! Things are looking up for Ole Lib. I read this and went to my fridge to take a celebratory shot of the homemade Kahlua. And then I booty danced to "Billionaire". Not that, you know, hooking up with the FedEx guy would make me a billionaire or anything--it was on. That's all. New readers will be surprised to find that I live alone--save a cat. The cat was not amused. But who cares? I'm gonna screw FedEx Guy! Cats can't possibly comprehend the gravity of this situation.
My formatting was not appropriate when I initially used the site, I just now realized that I made FedEx into two words in every attempt. I will not go back to change it, though. And the reason for that is twofold: I don't feel like it and also, I'm afraid that it could potentially alter such a promising reading. Back to the booty dance!!
Ooh, wait. Other things I forgot: Hot FedEx Guy is still married. So... I'm sure they're about finished. I wonder who could know. Dr. Love, that's who.
Dr. Love? How are things going with Hot FedEx Guy and the wifey?
Well, crap.
That's great for them. Really. No, seriously. I'm happy for her. Good for her. I've seen him in bike shorts anyway.
But where--where will I find my one, true, irrational, story-book romance?
OK.
I see what's going on here.
Now we have to have another boundaries talk with the internet.
UPDATE:
I think you should know that I have a pretty unreasonable fear that Hot FedEx Guy will for sure find this and transfer.
9 comments:
Dr. Love is FRISKY!
Your FedEx guy wears BIKE SHORTS?!
UNFAIR!
I think 80% of FedEx men are hunky. Even the occasional female FedExer is hot!
...I bet Dr. Love would give two FedEx employees 100%. Pure Love. (Crystal Waters?... Anyone?... Bueller?)
...also, the word "package", when referring to a man's junk, REALLY grosses me out. Eew.
@Darcie: Yes. Yes he does. In the summer time. With those loose short-shorts over top. He makes it work. All kindsa work.
@Sarah: Me, too. Me, too. But sacrifices need to be made when you're shamelessly ogling the delivery man.
If I were a cast member on Jersey Shore, I would totally call myself "The Package." (And, using the term cast "member" = no pun intended)
I can not even describe the amount of happiness that this blog propelled me to!!! (Every time I see FedEx man, I think of you, Libby!) I went to the site and no matter what combos I put in, I got 14 - 26%. Epic fail.
So, 'cause I'm the lame-o married one, I tested my chances anyway.
And I got this:
Tiffany & James - 14%. It goes on to say "Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between Tiffany and James, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. Do not sit back and think that it will all work out fine, because it might not be working out the way you wanted it to. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Again, the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out."
It's a good thing we live together and it's too cold to leave the house - we're forced to spend time with each other!
LOL!!! Funny stuff. Sooooo...my husband and I got 14%...can't say I'm surprised, but we do our best ;)
Apparently, I have a measly 18% chance of falling in love with "Anyone."
I have an 88% chance of falling in love with "Myself."
I have a 95% chance of falling in love with "You."
I have a 95% chance of falling in love with "A Boy," but only a 74% chance of falling in love with "A Girl."
And, last but not least, I have a 38% chance of falling in love with "Your Mom."
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