I work in a place where Valentines days is everywhere. There are big cardboard signs that are pink and also red and they hang from the ceiling and you would probably be surprised to learn how many tries it took for me to spell "ceiling" correctly. There are so many words that I am so magnificently terrible at spelling. Consious. Conscience. That's it. I'm a little proud of myself that it only too two tries. Go, me. We're talking about love. Not spelling. Though spelling is sexy and should not be ignored. In the same way, love. Love should not be ignored. Segues are important. And also sexy. Just like spelling.
Do you know what happens when you Google something generic like "love"? I'll tell you, you're sent to this super official looking site that takes all the guess work out of your boy/girl stuff (or your boy/ boy stuff, girl/ girl stuff, baisically all combinations that are relative to my LGBT friends. I got you covered under a blanket generalization). You know it's legit because of all of the Times New Roman and correct uses of "affect" and "effect". Not to mention the timeless and personal advice.You're thinking, "I like So And So Jr. but should I even pursue it?" Don't sweat it, go to The Love Calculator. The Love Calculator is never wrong. See??
So I ask you, Dr. Love (who is, I'm pretty sure, Dr. Drew--I picture Dr. Drew anyway). How, uh--how's my 2011 looking? Got anything for me? Maybe something in purple bike shorts? A nice, tight package, perhaps? (That was too far, methinks)
Oh, sweet Cupp-in-cakes! Things are looking up for Ole Lib. I read this and went to my fridge to take a celebratory shot of the homemade Kahlua. And then I booty danced to "Billionaire". Not that, you know, hooking up with the FedEx guy would make me a billionaire or anything--it was on. That's all. New readers will be surprised to find that I live alone--save a cat. The cat was not amused. But who cares? I'm gonna screw FedEx Guy! Cats can't possibly comprehend the gravity of this situation.
My formatting was not appropriate when I initially used the site, I just now realized that I made FedEx into two words in every attempt. I will not go back to change it, though. And the reason for that is twofold: I don't feel like it and also, I'm afraid that it could potentially alter such a promising reading. Back to the booty dance!!
Ooh, wait. Other things I forgot: Hot FedEx Guy is still married. So... I'm sure they're about finished. I wonder who could know. Dr. Love, that's who.
Dr. Love? How are things going with Hot FedEx Guy and the wifey?
That's great for them. Really. No, seriously. I'm happy for her. Good for her. I've seen him in bike shorts anyway.
But where--where will I find my one, true, irrational, story-book romance?
I see what's going on here.
Now we have to have another boundaries talk with the internet.
I think you should know that I have a pretty unreasonable fear that Hot FedEx Guy will for sure find this and transfer.