How To Open A Bottle of Champagne

I was called upon to open a bottle of champagne, last night. I was totally up to the challenge despite having never done anything of the sort before. I opened my first bottle of wine only a few weeks ago and was very happy that no one was in my apartment to see that go down. I am a lover of beers, not wines. But I'm branching out.

Also, I'd like to take this moment to explain that we're not really the type of people who pop champagne on any, given Thursday night while eating pizza. Though it is an adorable combination, I think. It was left over from Christmas and there were more than a few of us in the house so we went for it.

Arryn was holding a baby and said to me, "Can you open this?" I said, "Sure!" Between you and me, my underlying thought was "this will end badly."

I found a perforation in the foil and traced it with my thumb nail. Yay! Step one, complete! I twisted off the little, gold hood. Step two! I can do this. What's the big deal?!

Yeah, so then there's the cork. Mostly it's just pulling it out, right? Or pushing, or something like that. Arryn kept saying, "do you want me to get Adam to help?" And I kept saying, "this is not, strictly, a man's job!" I twisted and pulled and made little headway. Proving that it would take a few minutes to bust into the booze, everyone got bored except for Genesis who is five and fascinated. I don't know if she was more wrapped up in the fact that this bottle didn't have a twist off, plastic cap or the way I kept saying, "I can do this!" I was offering her wise, feminist advice like "Genesis, don't ever be afraid to do something just because it's difficult and don't ask a boy to do it just because it requires a little physicality." This would have been more convincing if I wasn't grunting this important life-advice to her.

I was feeling it give. I looked at her and said, "I got it!" I used my thumbs and gave the cork a good, solid push and it released. I felt pretty victorious until I saw that there was still half an inch of cork in the neck of the bottle.

I said, "Corkscrew! We'll use a corkscrew!! Huzzah!"

Genesis said, "Huzzah!!" At this point, we're essentially the same age.

And let me use this space to tell you, just in case you aren't already thinking "don't do it", there is a reason that you don't use a corkscrew to open champagne. Just take my word for it and don't poke a tiny hole into something stuffed to the gills with carbonation. It's a bomb is what it is.

I was glad that it was only Genesis in the kitchen with me. She doesn't know that this is shameful. Despite the oppressive spray, I went in for it and ripped out the cork and started filling glasses. I cleaned up the mess and washed my hands while she just watched quietly and finally she said, "Libby,"

"Yeah?"

"You should have done that over the sink."

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