Monday, February 28, 2011
Little known fact: I wanna be a rock star. Badly. In my car, I am one. I beat the crap out of Taylor Swift on her own songs (I could write tomes on the subject of Taylor Swift, but I will not). But, still, even in the silence and judgement-free zone of the car or the shower, no one can actually sing a Kelly Clarkson song. Am I right? My friend Cindy knows exactly what I'm talking about. We tried, man. We gave it a solid effort until one night we just gave up. You can't do it. And if even Cindy can't do it--you know it's a real defeat. Cindy could belt out Crazy In Love like it was NBD, bitz.
You know how Rob Gordon is always making mental lists? Well, me, too. I am always keeping a mental list of songs that I would cover when I became a rock star. The difference between me and Rob Gordon (there are so many) is that Rob can spout off his lists without hesitency where as, after two days of thinking about it, I can't think of many at all. My full-length album was suddenly cut down to just a little guy. Like, a single with bonus tracks.
Songs that I would cover if I ever had the opportunity:
Over The Rhine; Suitcase: The first time that I heard this song, I was halfway through reading The Maytrees by Annie Dillard. I know that most of you won't understand what's so powerful about that but the best of you will. I'm not going to ruin it for you, so I'll just leave that subject alone. I can't say that I like this song. There are things about it that are so damn good. Like the way her voice just tumbles out at the end of "sunny day." The way the whole thing sounds like a gorgeous, sleepy, half-mumble but is still completely coherent. It feels like a day when it's raining but when the sun's still shining bright. It's cheerful but pensive. Even sad things happen on gorgeous afternoons.
I don't like how it makes me feel. It reminds me of the type of person I am--like this song would most likely be written to me, rather than by me. It reminds me of what I'm very prone to. And with that--I'll leave it alone because this became kind of a downer. NEXT.
Kid Cudi; Pursuit of Happiness: I'd probably, actually, start the record with this song because it's way more cute. I'd take it all the way down, take out all the fake sounds and add a banjo and a mandolin and I'd curl my hair and wear a patterned, A-line dress that hits at about my knees and sing my little heart out while sitting on a stool with my hands in my lap. I've got it all planned out. I sing it in the shower all the time. And. I. Rule at it.
Stevie Wonder; Part Time Lover: I always thought it was silly that a blind guy would think to say, "if she's with me, I'll blink the lights." But upon further consideration, I think only a blind guy could really get away with that without seeming all together too suspicious.
Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers; My Sweet Charade: For the record, I had loved this song for years before I saw how fucking adorable that guy is. If I cover his song, do you think he'd go out with me? Yeah? Me, too.
The Smiths; Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now: Oh Morrissey, you writes like I do: "I was looking for a job and then I found a job." It's touching, really. In my head, I'm still wearing that dress from Pursuit of Happiness.
Also, it's coming to my attention that my affinity for songs that boys write about girls will not translate well into an album that paints an accurate portrayal of my sexual preferences.
What would you cover?
Friday, February 25, 2011
1. What are your thoughts on Valentine’s Day. Do you love it? Hate it? Loves it. I can't help it. There are lots of reasons that I love Valentine's Day even if, at the end of every single one, I go to sleep a titch disappointed. I know that people who actually do get chocolate and flowers are a little disappointed, too. I know that it's only my own brain that I'm fighting against in that department. A whole day dedicated to flowers, candy, hearts, balloons and forcing you to remind people that you like them. I think it's great.
2. What is your favorite romantic comedy? You've Got Mail. Doy.
3. Meg Ryan & John Mellencamp: what’s your first reaction? I don't understand the question.
4. All time favorite poem or quote? The quote question is too much. But my favorite poem is easy. Dover Beach by Matthew Arnold. "Ah, love, let us be true/ to one another! For the world, which seems/ to lie before us like a land of dreams,/ so various, so beautiful, so new, /hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light, /nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;/ and we are here as on a darkling plain/ swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,/ where ignorant armies clash by night."
5. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without sleep? (like consecutive hours). I do not like to even think about this question because I am a lover of sleep. As an adult, I'll say that once I chaperoned a lock-in. A lock-in, by the way, is probably the dumbest invention in the history of youth groups. You get a bunch of moody teenagers all together, get them hyped up on sugar and sleep deprivation and then expect it to end well? I mean--who's the moron here? So, that was, I don't feel like doing the math 24 hours?, to answer the question.
6. What color ink do you prefer to use? Blue. I'm a blue-ink girl. Black is harsh and when I'm filling out forms, and things (which I do quite a bit at my job) I lose my handwriting when I use black. So I try to keep a blue on me at all times. Also, I'm ultra picky about my pens. I don't want one with a cap--I will lose it and then draw all over my pocket. Also, I don't really love those super fancy glidey ball pens. I like a good, generic, ball point pen. Preferably featuring a misspelled advertisement but I understand that beggars can't be choosers.
7. Share with us a blog that you recently found and fell in love with (and link us!) Books of Adam. Turns out that I'm, like, the only person left who doesn't read this. Everyone's all "OMG, how have you not read Books of Adam" and you know how I am about over-hypped things. I still haven't seen Avatar or read Twilight or Harry Potter. So, anyway, this won't be news to you.
8. If you could be on a reality TV show which one would you choose? Um... I don't watch TV (reality or otherwise) but I'd have to go with one of those where they tell you that you're ugly and then give you a haircut and a new dress and then let you drive around a race track in a reasonably priced car. That's a thing, right? What Not To Wear + Top Gear = Brilliant show idea. (As long as it takes place in Britan because have you seen this new tripe that they're calling "American Top Gear" good lord).
9. Mountains or Beach? I don't think I have to tell you how I feel about bathing suits.
10. With the Oscars around the corner, what’s your pick for best picture? Oooh. I don't know. Let me Google who's nominated. (Now sit here for a minute in eager anticipation, k?)
Okay. Hold on. There are TEN nominees for this award? Let's go through the list:
Black Swan --What did I just say about hype? I didn't see it. But I will for sure rent it.
The Fighter -- I don't know what this is.
Inception -- I watched it! And I felt like a champion when it was over, like I'd just finished the Times Crossword Puzzle or understood a cartoon in the New Yorker!
The Kids are All Right -- This movie was all right. I can not believe it's up for best picture, though. And I can't be the only person who's sick and tired of seeing Julianne Moore's nipples. Am I?
The King's Speech -- I am vaguely familiar with the premise of this film.
The Social Network -- I loved it a lot. I could talk about it for pages.
127 Hours -- I watched it. I didn't puke at all like they said I would. I thought it was brilliantly done.
Toy Story 3 -- This is... this is the list for BEST PICTURE, right?!
True Grit -- Thought about watching it. Then I didn't.
Winter's Bone -- I have only heard of this film through Wayne and Garth.
I would pick The Social Network. Here's why: It's a long, long movie about the creation of Facebook and it should be boring as hell. It should be two hours of 2 guys sitting at their computers and then 3 guys and then 2 again. But it's not. It's actually quite gripping and exciting and, more than anything else, fucking gorgeous. The story was great. The acting was great. The fake twins were great (that statement is not about boobs). The filming was great. Hell, even the sound was great. Those guys win.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"I'm not really a dog person."
"Oh! Then you've never met my dog.* He's huge, sure. But he won't hurt you."
"He's licking me and he has this mucusy drool that's actually ruining my pants."
Friday, February 18, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Because "we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger" is just so not okay.
- Lager (with the right accent)
- Jager (with the same accent/ higher level of inebriation)
- Gagger ('tis better to be the gaggee than the gagger)
- Stagger (an actual word!)
- Wagger (one who wags, doy.)
Monday, February 14, 2011
In the mean time, I'm at the library--my favorite public facility! I came here to get a book to read for when I would otherwise be mindlessly browsing the interwebs. But I can't find anything that I'd rather be reading than The Winter of Our Discontent, so I opted for the computer section. Computers in public places are weird. There's this little cubby in which my computer is stationed to give the illusion of privacy but I know someone somewhere has remote access to this desktop and is probably reading this blog way before you are.
Watched The Grammy's last night. I love those. Last year my sister and I were a hundred (give or take) miles away but we watched them at the same time and talked on the phone for the duration. It was the best. This year, saddly, Sisser's tv is broken. And I was in a friend's basement surrounded by, ten (?) other people. It was rude enough that I couldn't keep myself from texting my sister about the show the few times that I did.
"B.O.B. is wearing a fucking monocle!!" It should be no surprise that I do not know how to spell that last word. But the point got across. And, also, I'd like Bruno Mars a lot more if he'd just cut his hair. I know, he's going for a specific look but once he puts a hat on that bee hive, the cool points tend to collect like gold coins in those secret levels in Mario Brothers III.
And yes, just like you, I came home and immediately looked for Esperanza Spalding on YouTube. And, just like you, I was so happy (but still shocked) that she beat out The Bieb.
Also, my friend Angie pointed out that Drake (homina homina homina) looks like a black Ross Gellar and the truth is--girl's not wrong. I'd love to post a side-by-side but you'll just have to Google that for your own selves as I am out of time.
I wanted to tell you that you make my heart all squishy (it's Valentine's Day, after all).
PS Nope, I sure didn't spell check this before I hit "publish".
Friday, February 11, 2011
1. What’s your favorite kind of donut? Sprinkles. I am a grown up. Actually, if I had to choose between a pink sprinkle donut or a cruller, I'd pick the cruller. This decision may vary and is dependent upon the cruller's freshness.
2. Do you use the snooze button? I do. I don't often use an alarm, though, but when I do I account for at least two snoozes.
3. Do you write in cursive, print, or a combination of the two? I write in a weird combination. It's print, I suppose, but my letters get really long and tall or swoopy. I never write a cursive "L", I've never been able to pin one down that I like. I like my handwriting a lot, though. I'm a girl like that.
4. Tell us a joke. I'll tell you a joke that a three year old named Ashlynn told me the other day.
Ashlynn is here.
So, obviously, kids are just dumb because that's not funny at all.
5. How many languages do you speak? I speak English. I can say a tongue twister in Polish and I know a few kitchen related words in Spanish. "Albondigas" means "meatball" and "chiccaron" means "I want to kill you", or so I gather. Spanish speakers, please pardon the spelling.
6. Why did you start blogging? Fame. Fortune. Success. Sex. Intrigue. It's totally working.
7. Do you use bar soap or liquid body wash? I prefer bar soap. I prefer Dove bar soap. But I'm so sick and tired of dropping it that I usually just buy liquid body wash.
8. Do you buy bottled water? I buy bottled water when I'm at work because it's $.40 and we have easy access to recycling. I ordinarily don't buy bottled water anywhere else. That choice is not based on principle, though it would be nice if I had some of those.
9. What did you think of the Super Bowl Half Time Show? I don't understand the question.
10. How do you feel about Steve Carell leaving The Office? I think he's obviously recognized that he's on a sinking ship. I'm sorry--I know not everyone agrees but the writer's strike a few years ago threw the whole thing off and it's just never recovered. I used to live for Thursday nights so that I could watch The Office but now I feel like they've really outdone themselves if I can manage a chuckle or two and, brothers and sisters, this should not be. Now I live for Thursday nights so the I can watch Community. And since I watch Community, I'll just have to wait for Big Bang Theory to come out on DVD. Unless I take up pirating, which I do not plan to do. That decision is also not based on principle.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
- Rocking out to Tiao Cruz's Dynamite in the car (you would never actually get into it anywhere else). Because when you've finally dug your car out and you're waiting for it to warm up, you feel excited and you start singing to anything that's on the radio and your mittens really prohibit you from clapping or effectively using any hand gestures during the lyric, "and I told you once, now I told you twice." Because no matter which number it is, you're just holding up a mitten and you're faced with the reality of what's actually going on here. You're bundled to the max, covered in snow, celebrating with one of the fifty most poorly written songs in the universe. And, yeah, I do realize that people have been partying to this song for so long that everyone but me is completely exhausted with it. But I usually don't get on board with pop music until after everyone else has decided they're totally over it. (I have a much better taste in music but you'll just have to take my word for it, I wonder what you must think of me. Music in the car is an exception to music everywhere else, alright?)
- Texting. You bought those mittens and you're like, "check it out, the comfort of mittens but the ease of having fingers to use! I can text and stay warm!" And you buy them and put them on and then realize that securely holding your phone while your hands are wrapped up in what is, essentially, an afghan knitted by your grandmother, is still impossible. And look, the thumb isn't uncovered and turns out that's your primary texting digit. I can, however, lay the phone on the table and push buttons with my pointer finger. This activity makes me look like a middle aged woman but let's get real here, I'm not?
- Reading. This is the only time in my life that I've ever wanted an e-reader. It's cold in the break room at work, I have 45 minutes on my lunch break during which I'm not eating. I don't want to watch Dr. Phil (why is this the only station anyone watches??) and I would really like to tune out the sound of my co-workers bitching about how horrible it is to have the job that we have (so many people don't have jobs and can't feed their children that it hurts my heart to hear people offer the same complaints day after day after day and keeping those jobs from someone who could actually appreciate it). I like to read on my lunch break because it sends me into my own little world and for the most part, people can tell that you don't want to be messed with and some of them respect that. But yesterday I read two pages and quickly realized that in order to keep reading, I would need to remove my glittens to turn the page. So I watched Dr. Phil. Aaaand it changed my life. (No, not really)