An Inconvenient Glitten

Gloves, hats, scarves, mittens--they're all 50% off at Walmart right now. So these, my first pair of glove/mittens. Glittens? Moves? They're the gloves without fingers but they come with a hood, essentially. I'm sure they have an official name. When I was trying to think of how to describe them, my sister explicitly forbade me from using the phrase "knitted foreskin", so I won't. You can thank her for not being made subject to that.

Anyway, my first pair of hand-warming devices of the winter season. Yes, I am aware that it's February but this is the first time that I've actually had to do things like dig the car out from underneath an estimated seventeen inches of snow, you guys! So while I was at Walmart, I got these. And I forgot my debit card so, yeah, I wrote a check for $3.94. Who carries checks but not cards? Oy. Anyway, since owning these glittens, I've learned a few things.

Things That Are Mostly (or Completely)

Impossible to Do Whilst Wearing Glittens

1. Rocking out to Tiao Cruz's Dynamite in the car (you would never actually get into it anywhere else). Because when you've finally dug your car out and you're waiting for it to warm up, you feel excited and you start singing to anything that's on the radio and your mittens really prohibit you from clapping or effectively using any hand gestures during the lyric, "and I told you once, now I told you twice." Because no matter which number it is, you're just holding up a mitten and you're faced with the reality of what's actually going on here. You're bundled to the max, covered in snow, celebrating with one of the fifty most poorly written songs in the universe. And, yeah, I do realize that people have been partying to this song for so long that everyone but me is completely exhausted with it. But I usually don't get on board with pop music until after everyone else has decided they're totally over it. (I have a much better taste in music but you'll just have to take my word for it, I wonder what you must think of me. Music in the car is an exception to music everywhere else, alright?)
2. Texting. You bought those mittens and you're like, "check it out, the comfort of mittens but the ease of having fingers to use! I can text and stay warm!" And you buy them and put them on and then realize that securely holding your phone while your hands are wrapped up in what is, essentially, an afghan knitted by your grandmother, is still impossible. And look, the thumb isn't uncovered and turns out that's your primary texting digit. I can, however, lay the phone on the table and push buttons with my pointer finger. This activity makes me look like a middle aged woman but let's get real here, I'm not?
3. Reading. This is the only time in my life that I've ever wanted an e-reader. It's cold in the break room at work, I have 45 minutes on my lunch break during which I'm not eating. I don't want to watch Dr. Phil (why is this the only station anyone watches??) and I would really like to tune out the sound of my co-workers bitching about how horrible it is to have the job that we have (so many people don't have jobs and can't feed their children that it hurts my heart to hear people offer the same complaints day after day after day and keeping those jobs from someone who could actually appreciate it). I like to read on my lunch break because it sends me into my own little world and for the most part, people can tell that you don't want to be messed with and some of them respect that. But yesterday I read two pages and quickly realized that in order to keep reading, I would need to remove my glittens to turn the page. So I watched Dr. Phil. Aaaand it changed my life. (No, not really)

Update:

The following photo demonstrates the most Googled phrases that people use to get to this here blog. It's a good day for Robert Frost and a weird day for reality.