Thursday, June 25, 2009

Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Jinx?

One night a week my brother goes out with his male companions. They drink beer in moderation, talk about themselves in moderation and speak on spiritual matters in plenty. The wives of these fellows, there are two--one of which being my sister in law, meet on the same nights. They drink iced tea and talk about their husbands.

Last night, I stayed home with the kids while Adam and Arryn went out to do what people their age love to do. The babies were in bed when Arryn and her friend arrived back at the house. I had just begun a rousing game of Sims 3 (I have an addiction) and didn't want to disturb them. But they sat in the dining room and I overheard bits of their conversation.
A: If he values you and wants to do everything for your marriage, then getting rid of the Internet shouldn't be a problem.
F: But he needs it for his work...
A: If he needs the Internet he can go to the library or come over here. ...
F: That's over simplifying it. It's not about the Internet. The having it or not having it. I don't know...

I start to feel really sad for Friend. They've been married for--at the very least--5 years. They've been trying to have a baby since day one and it hasn't happened. She blames herself, of course. He's had this pretty serious addiction since long before she ever happened and yet, of course, she blames herself. She thinks she should be enough for him. She thinks that after being married for so long he doesn't want her anymore. She's picking up blame everywhere that she possibly can. She doesn't understand how this isn't her fault. All the while, no one else can understand how possibly could be. Oh we are a broken people.

I start to feel bad for eavesdropping on such a delicate conversation and go back to building and modifying the most bad ass house that I could possibly create on the Sims. Overhearing this conversation prompted me to place my sim's computer in the kitchen and not in an office. Public viewing only--what if she marries a boy sim with a panache for pornography? And then I overhear Arryn say something that stops me cold and I'm struck with fear:

"Adam and I have never been so good--we're just so happy."

And not only am I fearful at the news, but also ashamed of myself for feeling that way. Why would I be afraid that saying it out loud would actually jinx it? But it's true, now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Genesis is going to get cancer. Adam's going to hurt himself during a furniture delivery and wind up a paraplegic. Amos is going to get left out in the car while Arryn goes into the bank for a split second which turns into a four-hour-long hostage stand-off and gets killed and subsequently Amos roasts to death. This is what goes through my mind. Everything's great. When's the shit going to hit the fan? I've never believed that I'd really get the whole measure of happiness and I'm afraid that I know what no one else knows: that sooner or later it's all going to be fubar (fucked up beyond repair: attributed to Anne Lamott). What a dismal way to live.

She said that she was listening to the radio and You're Still the One came on and she actually started to cry because she felt like it was amazing how after being married to my brother for eight years, she still felt lucky and in love and happy and protective of him. It's oozing with cheese but it's true of her and I feel lucky to even know someone who gets to have her whole package. Everyone says it's impossible. They all say, "Yeah, it's all rainbows and unicorns right now but sooner or later..." Why does the sooner or later have to come though? Why do we have to count on it all getting ruined?

We were talking the other day and she asked if I wanted someone. It's funny because that's one of those things that I've tried very hard to not say out loud because I guess I believe in the power of the jinx. She pointed out that the fact that I'm afraid of jinxing it means that I probably do, in fact, want someone to share my life with. "Great. Damnit. Thanks a lot. Now I'm either going to be alone forever or with someone I can't stand." "Lucky for you," she tells me, "you get to choose."

SWF currently seeking: M, 24-32 with unconditional kindness, humble self-awareness and fearlessness when it comes to The Jinx.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Well, I live in McPherson now. I'm not completely certain how I feel about it yet. I probably won't feel awesome until the apartment opens upstairs and I'll get a place to live that is not my brother and sister-in-law's hide-a-bed in the living room. We've got a collection of things growing in the garage that will be used to fill my place once it becomes available. I really, truly, can't wait to have a place of my own. I don't even have to paint it at this point. I just want a place to sleep where there aren't three-year-olds jumping on my bed demanding that I wake up because she wants to watch PBS. Not that I don't love it--but sometimes it's nice to sleep past 6:45. Sometimes it's nice to lounge around your house without a bra on for a few hours before getting ready for the day. I am being made more and more aware of just how much you can hear from the people upstairs which leads me to believe that I'm going to have to invest in some rugs for sound prevention.

I've never been one to question whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I had nightly panic-attacks when I was trying to decide where to go to college and for a semester after I got there. Ever since, I've ridden a philosophy of "Well, this is how it is so we might as well make it look nice." Nothing ever feels right but nothing ever feels wrong either. Sometimes some things feel considerably less right than other things. I'm currently in a battle between "did I totally ruin this?" and "what's done is done." I suppose it just makes sense to get over and move on but sometimes, most especially at night, I have a few feelings that seem too close to regrets to be anything else. But I know that feelings are not reality and I have done the very best with what I had at my disposal and in twenty years I won't regret having done what I've done. I am certain of that.

I had an interview at Mainstreet Deli which is two blocks from where I am living. It's a really adorable place. Lots of sandwiches, soup, salads--that type of stuff. But they also make all their own baked goods, pies, cookies, bread, etc. Kim isn't hiring for any full-time positions but she has a few different part time ones and said that I was "an employer's dream." She needs someone to do waitressing and someone to come in at 4:00 am to do baking. That's my type of job. Until I get my masters and until the economy jumps back up (which they say will happen but my brother seems to dispute pretty heavily) these are the sort of jobs that I'll be taking. Lucky for me, I'm good at these sorts of jobs and I really enjoy them. Sadly, though, they pay just barely over minimum wage. But I'm single. I just pay for little old me. I get by. I'll be fine. And I'll bring home pastries.