Last night, I stayed home with the kids while Adam and Arryn went out to do what people their age love to do. The babies were in bed when Arryn and her friend arrived back at the house. I had just begun a rousing game of Sims 3 (I have an addiction) and didn't want to disturb them. But they sat in the dining room and I overheard bits of their conversation.
A: If he values you and wants to do everything for your marriage, then getting rid of the Internet shouldn't be a problem.
F: But he needs it for his work...
A: If he needs the Internet he can go to the library or come over here. ...
F: That's over simplifying it. It's not about the Internet. The having it or not having it. I don't know...
I start to feel really sad for Friend. They've been married for--at the very least--5 years. They've been trying to have a baby since day one and it hasn't happened. She blames herself, of course. He's had this pretty serious addiction since long before she ever happened and yet, of course, she blames herself. She thinks she should be enough for him. She thinks that after being married for so long he doesn't want her anymore. She's picking up blame everywhere that she possibly can. She doesn't understand how this isn't her fault. All the while, no one else can understand how possibly could be. Oh we are a broken people.
I start to feel bad for eavesdropping on such a delicate conversation and go back to building and modifying the most bad ass house that I could possibly create on the Sims. Overhearing this conversation prompted me to place my sim's computer in the kitchen and not in an office. Public viewing only--what if she marries a boy sim with a panache for pornography? And then I overhear Arryn say something that stops me cold and I'm struck with fear:
"Adam and I have never been so good--we're just so happy."
And not only am I fearful at the news, but also ashamed of myself for feeling that way. Why would I be afraid that saying it out loud would actually jinx it? But it's true, now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Genesis is going to get cancer. Adam's going to hurt himself during a furniture delivery and wind up a paraplegic. Amos is going to get left out in the car while Arryn goes into the bank for a split second which turns into a four-hour-long hostage stand-off and gets killed and subsequently Amos roasts to death. This is what goes through my mind. Everything's great. When's the shit going to hit the fan? I've never believed that I'd really get the whole measure of happiness and I'm afraid that I know what no one else knows: that sooner or later it's all going to be fubar (fucked up beyond repair: attributed to Anne Lamott). What a dismal way to live.
She said that she was listening to the radio and You're Still the One came on and she actually started to cry because she felt like it was amazing how after being married to my brother for eight years, she still felt lucky and in love and happy and protective of him. It's oozing with cheese but it's true of her and I feel lucky to even know someone who gets to have her whole package. Everyone says it's impossible. They all say, "Yeah, it's all rainbows and unicorns right now but sooner or later..." Why does the sooner or later have to come though? Why do we have to count on it all getting ruined?
We were talking the other day and she asked if I wanted someone. It's funny because that's one of those things that I've tried very hard to not say out loud because I guess I believe in the power of the jinx. She pointed out that the fact that I'm afraid of jinxing it means that I probably do, in fact, want someone to share my life with. "Great. Damnit. Thanks a lot. Now I'm either going to be alone forever or with someone I can't stand." "Lucky for you," she tells me, "you get to choose."
SWF currently seeking: M, 24-32 with unconditional kindness, humble self-awareness and fearlessness when it comes to The Jinx.