Friday, May 6, 2011

On Pop Music and Other Execrable Things

Confession: I have a soft spot for really terrible Top 40 pop music. I like to listen to really terrible Top 40 pop music when I drive to work and when I drive home from work. If I'm going on long road trips or anything like that, I am sure to bring my own music or get down with NPR but on the average Tuesday morning at 9:00 am, it's really terrible Top 40 pop music. And I will sit in my car until Lady Gaga's Alejandro is finished but that song is so last summer or something and so they never play it. I like pop songs for way too long.
And here's a little side note. Pop music is the only type of music that is only cool for a limited amount of time. Am I wrong about that? I mean by in large, Neutral Milk Hotel hasn't done anything since, like, 1998 or something and people still love them--I keep them in current rotation in my collection. No one ever says, "You still get down with Two Headed Boy? *eye roll*" But I guarantee that if we were hanging out in my house and JLo's If You Had My Love popped up on my iPod, every one in the room would look at me with What The Fuck? Face. You know you would.

So it's that ordinary Tuesday morning and I'm bebopping to work and I hear a new song (probably not new to the rest of the planet but, like I said, I listen to this radio station for about 6 minutes 5 days a week) and I hear the words, "Call me Mr. Flinstone, I can make your bedrock." And I'm all, "Gross. Even I haven't the patience for this," and I went to change the station but I couldn't. I just couldn't. It was so bad that I couldn't not let the song finish. And it got progressively worse and worse. The lyrics didn't even seem to follow some sort of pattern. It's just... a series of lame catch phrases. I'm going to ruin my perfectly flawless Google history (right) and find the lyrics for you and if there's even a little part of you that says, "I don't get what the big deal is," then we're going to need to seriously reconsider our friendship. Please leave a comment so I'll know how to deal with you in the future, reader. I apologize if that comes across as cold but it's a fact and you'll understand. Lyrics courtesy of some ad-infested, glittery website created simply to give my computer an STD, so don't click on this link because I'm taking one for the team, here. It kills me to not go through there and change all those damn capital letters and repeats and stupid, stupid stuff. I'd love to just go through there and highlight all of the worst parts but it's too hard because it's all so bad. And also, I don't want to get too involved in there. I feel dirty. Also, there's someone in the world who refers to himself as "Gudda Gudda"? What. The. Hell.
[Lil Wayne]
She Got That Good Good,
She Michael Jackson Bad,
I'm Attracted To Her, For Her Attractive Ass,
And Now We Murderers, Because We Kill Time,
I Knock Her Lights Out, And She Still Shine,
I Hate To See Her Go, But I Love To Watch Her Leave
But I Keep Her Running Back And Forth Like A Soccer Team,
Cold As A Winter Day,
Hot As A Summer's Eve,
Young Money Thieves,
Steal Your Love With Ease.

[Gudda Gudda]

I Like The Way You Walk, And If You Walking My Way,
I'm That Red Bull, Now Let's Fly Away,
Let's Buy A Place, With All Kind Of Space,
I Let You Be The Judge, N-N And I’m The Case,
I’m Gudda Gudda,
I Put Her Under,
I See Me With Her, No Stevie Wonder,
She Don't Even Wonder, Cauz She Know She Bad,
And I Got Her Nigga,
Grocery Bag.

[Lloyd]

(Okay)
Oh Baby,
I Be Stuck To You,
Like Glue Baby,
Wanna Spend It All On You,
Baby,
My Room Is The G Spot,
Call Me Mr. Flintstone,
I Can Make Your Bed Rock Girl
I-I-I I Can Make Your Bed Rock
I-I-I I Can Make Your Bed Rock Girl
I-I-I I Can Make Your Bed Rock
I-I-I I Can Make Your Bed Rock

[Nicki Minaj]

Ok I Get It,
Let Me Think, I Guess It's My Turn,
Maybe It's Time To Put This Pussy On Ya Sideburns,
He Say I’m Bad, He Problly Right,
He Pressing Me Like Button Downs On A Friday Night (Ha-ha),
I'm So Pretty Like,
Me On My Pedal Bike,
He On My Low Scrunch,
He On My Echo Whites,
He Say Nicki Don't Stop You The Bestest,
And I Just Be Coming Off The Top As Bestest.

[Drake]

I Love Ya Sushi Roll, Hotter Than Wasabi,
I Race For Your Love,
Shake And Bake Ricky Bobby,
I'm At The W, But I Can't Meet You In The Lobby,
Girl I Gotta Watch My Back, Cauz I'm Not Just Anybody,
I Seen Em’ Stand In Line, Just To Get Beside Her,
I Let Her See The Aston, And Let The Rest Surprise Her,
That’s When We Disappear, You Need GPS To Find Her,
Oh That Was Your Girl?
I Thought I Recognized Her.

[Lloyd]

(Okay)
Oh Baby,
I Be Stuck To You,
Like Glue Baby,
Wanna Spend It All On You,
Baby,
My Room Is The G Spot,
Call Me Mr. Flintstone,
I Can Make Your Bed Rock Girl
I-I-I I Can Make Your Bed Rock
I-I-I I Can Make Your Bed Rock Girl
I-I-I I Can Make Your Bed Rock
I-I-I I Can Make Your Bed Rock

[Tyga]

She Like Tanning,
I Like Staying In,
She Like Romancing,
I Like Rolling With Friends,
She Said I'm Caged In,
I Think Her Conscious Is,
She Watching That Oxygen,
I’m Watching ESPN,
But When That Show End,
She All On My Skin,
Lotion,
Slow Emotion,
Roller Coasting,
Like Back Forth Hold It.....
She Pose Like It's For Posters,
And I Poke Like I'm Suppose To,
Take This Photo If You For Me,
She Said Don't You Ever Show This,
I'm To Loyal..,
And To Focused..,
To Be Losing..,
And Be Hopeless..,
When I Spoke This,
She Rejoiced It,
Said Your Word Get Me Open,
So I Closed It,
Where Your Clothes Is,
I'm Only Lovin’ For The Moment.

I have the almost imponderable joy of having a friend who is generous enough to provide the world with an artist's rendering of the outward expression of my inner turmoil. Also, I really hope that you didn't read all of that.

Also, I can't wait to see what phrases people will be using to get to this page in the next several weeks. Hopefully it has something to do with "sushi roll", "Ricky Bobby" and "he on my low scrunch" whatever that is. And if you know what that is, I beg you to keep it to yourself.

Have a pleasant weekend.
Grocery bag.

2 comments:

Ryan said...

So many "she's" and "baby's," so little time.

The Foreigners said...

How are they allowed to say things like "I knock her lights out, but she still shine"?!

That "song" is tragic. Everyone who has been exposed to that needs to run to Regina as quickly as possible...only she can help you recover from this.

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