Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Things on Which I'd Rather Spend My Money, Than a Subscription to Match.com That Will, Let's Face it, Garner the Exact Same Results; a list



Regrettable shoes: Sometimes what was intended to be sexy, self-deprecating whimsy on the internet translates into defensive, raving lunatic when it arrives at your door. What makes these shoes better than Match.com? I'm taller. And I no longer have to invest in a meat tenderizer. Two birds. One stone.

Three-pack of Fireside Reds courtesy of X Winery: Sure, it says "gift pack"--no one needs to know. This way, you can get sloppy drunk in the comfort of your own home and not have to worry about if you totally blew it. Because, the only one there to judge you is your cat. Your cat who has been judging you for the past six months, now.

The Coz-E Electric Blanket
: I don't really think that this one needs too much explanation. Because, I mean, who wouldn't buy that instead of most things? Like a perfect internet boyfriend, this item is clingy in all the right ways and will turn off and on at your very command. Unlike an internet boyfriend, regret is a non-option.

A haircut at Integrity Salon: because if I'm going to pay actual money to feel good about myself, it's going to involve a mandatory hair washing and scalp massage and people saying "did you do something new?" all night.

I'm actually going to get one of these things, today. I know--you want it to be the shoes.

1 comment:

Katie Hurl said...

The electric blanket. Yes. Most definitely. It obeys your every wish and whim. PERRRFECCCT!!! (And I yelled "perfect" in the singy, loud, Oprah voice.)

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