I'm Irish, Let's Make Out

It's sad, really, when you think about how St. Patrick's day has become so commercialized. I mean, you can get all wrapped up in the running around, buying cases and cases of Guinness, decorating your home, baking shamrock treats, consuming salted meats and Irish coffees for every meal but at the end of the day--it's just a day and you're surprisingly already hungover.

For the sad few who don't know the real reason for the season, let me enlighten you. Two thousand years ago, in a tiny town in Ireland, a leprechaun named Doug was born. He was born with orange hair, wearing a green three-piece suit. He was the world's first leprechaun. His parents were ashamed of him and blamed their premarital canoodling for this birth defect. They sent him away so that the other village people wouldn't be aware of their ghastly deeds (even though they'd all done the math anyway). But it wasn't a birth defect and it wasn't a punishment. Doug was actually a perfectly formed baby. He just happened to be a leprechaun baby.

Doug mostly wandered around Ireland, living off of shamrock shaped sugar cookies and corned beef that he found in the forest. Eventually he discovered that there exists in the world, an economy and that economy required that he have money. Being a ginger kid, there was absolutely no work for him so Doug took to pick pocketing and set up camp at the end of the rainbow. Every night Doug would drop the gold coins that he had amassed into this great big cauldron that was apparently operating as a paperweight for the rainbow. At first he was appalled at the shoddy workmanship of the planet's props department but eventually he just accepted it and embroidered a "Home Sweet Home" wall hanging.
Doug collected the coins and collected the coins but couldn't see that all of the money was making him happy. So he went into the cereal making business. He used all of the stolen money to set up a factory and pay wages for a few employees. Who knew that this small operation would one day be bought out by General Mills and be worth millions? Doug did. Because he was a stern businessman.

After forty years in the business, Doug retired and bought a mail order bride. Together Doug and Patty had no children and so that's why there aren't more leprechauns in the world. Secretly, Patty was fearful of her husband because she was raised by wolves and didn't really know about things like dinner conversation and long walks on the beach. One night she pickled his cabbage and killed him. That was how everyone learned that leprechauns are allergic to sauerkraut and besides, sauerkraut is so obviously German.

Using the money that Doug left behind, Patty paid back everyone that he'd stolen from to start his business and that's how Ireland's economy got out of the red and into the black.

And that is why we shotgun beers and make out at midnight on March 17th.

You're welcome.