Monday, March 7, 2011

And now, for something sincere

I don't know. I haven't got it in me to be funny or hyperbolic, today. But I do have it in me to write things down arbitrarily. It's not a sad mood. It's not even all together too pensive. But sometimes it takes a lot of effort to make a joke.

I had a very 21-and-older type of weekend and for the life of me I can not get enough water into this dehydrated system of mine. There was a photograph taken that I hope to god doesn't make it onto the internet. It's probably just a matter of time before I get tagged. I have decided to invest in a detox tea that promises to be kinder to my liver than I have been, lately. I imagine that it's really something that I do to make myself feel better in my mind--not that I think it'll actually help. Kind of like when the lady at the checkout says, "would you like to spend a dollar to go towards support for Muscular Dystrophy research?" And I say, "Yeah." But what I am thinking is, "I don't want the lady at Walgreens to judge me." In the same-ish way, I don't want my liver to start judging me.

"Oh it was fun, fun, fun when we were drinking. It was fun, fun, fun, when we were drunk. And it was fun, fun, fun, when we were laughing. It was fun, fun, fun. Oh, it was fun."

I haven't stopped listening to Noah and the Whale in three days.

It takes so very little for me to feel like a grown up and it also takes very little to remind me that I'm not, really. I put things off and put things off. I have a pile of unopened mail sitting by the front door. Seeing all of it reminds me that the rest of the world sees me as an adult--opening it reminds me that I'm woefully unprepared.

If I were to die, say in a tragic car accident, the newspapers would say, "A McPherson woman was driving southbound..." To anyone who reads the paper, there it is, my whole identity wrapped up in the town where I keep my stuff, my gender and, to some degree, my age. I don't know if I'm ready for that or not but it's not exactly the type of thing that you can stave off. My age is progressing if my mind isn't. The rest of the world is moving even if I like to think that mine isn't.

It's dark and grey outside. It rained a little bit and the whole day feels a little weird and hazy. This is my favorite kind of weather. I went to the library to print off some documents, I went to work to print off some more documents. I did some grocery shopping and purchased things like kitty litter and Worcestershire sauce. Then I went to the offices in town that wanted all of the printed documents and I delivered them in a timely manner. I did all of this with a solid amount of gasoline while listening to a woman sing in French on NPR. Adult. Grown-up. I went to the video store (because I like to support local where I can and I can rent my movies at a store--there's something nostalgic about it that I like) and they didn't have The Graduate and I thought, "Damn you, Netflix. Maybe you're right. Maybe I do need you."I would like to see The Graduate.

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