Tuesday, December 21, 2010

How to Tell if He Likes You

Or Articles That Should Have Never Been Written

According to Cosmo there are three "weird" things to look for to tell if the special guy in your life is looking at you as third-base material. There's not really any reason to write this article because, I'll just tell you right now, he is. But still, I can understand the need for easy, crank it out in fifteen minutes filler pieces. I mean, where do you think I got the idea for this?

Anyhow, this article is full of useful tips to help you decide whether or not the man in your life wants to be the man in your pants (seriously, though, they should write an article about how to decide if You even like the man in your life--that's the difficult, albeit less important, part). According to "research" a man like-likes you if you can answer "yes" to one or more of the following questions*:
  • At meals does he order steak?
  • Will he mimic your speech patterns?
  • Does he forget even the simplest of concepts?
If you answered "yes", then congratulations there's no way this guy can't possibly not be un-into you! Now, go lasso him in for keeps. Even if he says "no", he's just playing hard to get. Sometimes "yes" sounds a lot like "no". My strategy? Feign pregnancy.

No, on a serious note though, guys really will order steak if they like you. It's a mechanism that they employ to exhibit manliness without resorting to the women-belong-in-the-kitchen "jokes". I mean, that's second date territory. So if you go out with a guy and he has hummus, pasta
marinara, or a grilled cheese, don't try and talk yourself into the idea that he's a potential vegetarian. Men are never vegetarians except when they don't love you anymore.

You've been hanging out a while and you have your first fight. No, not even a fight. More of a tift. Spell check doesn't believe that "tift" is a word but you're following me. You asked him why he kept his peanut butter in the fridge and he said "everyone keeps their peanut butter in the fridge" and you said "no one keeps their peanutbugger in the fridge!" And he whispered, under his breath, "peanutbugger". And then suddenly you're enraged because you believe that he's making fun of your my-tongue-is-a-little-bigger-than-my-mouth impediment and you storm out. You silly, simple woman. It appears as though he was backed into a corner with nowhere to go so he lashed out and cut you below the knees. But that's not what happened at all. You see, when a boy likes you, he mocks you for things that are out of your control unless great concentration is utilized to keep from making insignificant mistakes. He will mimic your accent, speech impediment, club-foot, all sorts of things. Because those things remind him of you and he wants you around him all the time. That's why he offered to make a suit of your skin that one time.

And finally, next time he forgets your middle-name, don't get mad. It just means that he's using all his dumb-man brain cells to impress you with his muscle flexing and steak eating and hasn't got a lot of room for lesser things like your birthday, garbage day or even your real first name. The less he remembers, the more he loves you. And who wouldn't want to get to put up with that for all eternity?

And remember, no matter how much he likes you, he'll never stick around unless you get knocked up. Does anyone else feel the morning sickness going around?

*There's more good news, this very same test can be used to tell if there is a six-year-old living in your home.


JShu said...

I think the word you were searching for was tiff. But I still caught your drift.

MLE said...

Steak . . . well, nuts.

Libby Marie said...

I honestly thought it was "tift" and that people who said "tiff" were the ones saying it wrong. It appears, according to Jessica and also spell check that I was the wrong one. Tiff is what I call my friends who are named Tiffany.

Emily, maybe you can start dating someone who doesn't like you very much and then, at least, you'll get to hang out with someone who no only has a mutual dietary policy but will also remember your birthday and not make fun of the way you say "milk".

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