Sunday, December 5, 2010

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
T. S. Eliot

Can you have that feeling of missing for something that never existed in the first place? I have this feeling of achy nostalgia that is directly related to a scene in my life that hasn't even taken place. I can imagine it--the most insignificant details of it as if it happened, like it happened not long ago at all even. But I know it hasn't. In my not-memory, my hair is freshly washed but completely unstyled and it moves light as air. I can "remember" those parts, tactile sensations and I miss it. I wish I was back there in that very fleeting moment that never happened. Have I got such a vivid imagination that it can make me so sad and aching against my will? That's not fair. It's my brain, I want to be in charge of it.

It makes me wish I had the strength to force a moment to its crisis and create it for myself just so that when I remember it, it at least makes sense.

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