I've been reading The Daily Love for a few weeks now. It's nice and refreshing and sweet sometimes. It's nice to have a little boost every now and again that by accepting, loving and being yourself--you're doing favors to everyone. When you have grace with yourself, it's easier to offer grace to other people. Not only that but everyone in your community will benefit from being in the presence of honesty and who doesn't want to extend that to their friends?
But you know how sometimes you find yourself beat over the head with certain themes for a while? It's kind of like how you're thinking of buying a particular car and then, suddenly, everywhere you look you see that particular car. It's a little like that--it's morning time, though, and I'm only a few sips into my coffee and maybe now isn't the most effective time for similes but I'll continue. I've been hearing about "success", "goals", "dreams" so much lately that it makes me think about my own. More particularly that I don't... I want to say this delicately. I don't really have them. I never really have. And, shocker, it hasn't really posed as a serious problem to me in my life except in the case of job interviews. When you say, "I don't really have a five-year-plan" it kind of makes you look like a slacker but what an interviewer should hear is, "I could probably be happy here forever. Never really know." It's bothered a few people in my life. Those super motivated types who never really understood that I didn't have long-term hopes and dreams.
I mean, I have things that I would like to do. Since Arryn turned 30, I've been thinking about it a lot and there are a few things that I would like to do before I turn the big 3-0 in two and a half years. Not because I feel like 30 means anything monumental but because it's nice to have a cut-off date for things. Do you want to know what's on my Thirty List? Only a few things. Okay, I'll tell you.
-I want to take a train to the North West portion of the US, pit stopping along the way. Preferably going from Kansas to California and North from there. I never wanted to visit California but Anne Lamott has made me really want to explore the San Fransisco Bay area. I want this trip to take at least a week and a half. Is that greedy?
-I want a bed that has a headboard that I can lean against to read. I've never had a bed that permitted such a luxury. If I lean against the wall in my current bed, it rolls out from under me.
-I want to maintain a reasonable vegetarian diet for at least a year. Reasonable being, not inconvenient to the people around me. I have no qualms about eating animals. It's more from a perspective of exercise in self-control. Subsequently, I don't want to be wasteful of others' resources. If you invite me to dinner, I plan to eat your meatloaf. Or whatever.
Yeah, those are just some things that I want to do but they're not goals. They're not a measure of success. They're nothing with a high-end. Just some life experiments and treats. Totally attainable.
I think when it really comes down to it my highest goal is to be helpful, loving and honest to everyone around me. That is my measure of success. I don't care about jobs or money--I've never really had much and I'm making due in a beautiful little world without it. I think I'm making due because I'm currently so surrounded with so much Unconditional. That's what I'll call it. This place--this apartment in this town with these people, my friends--the friends that I've had for a decade and the friends that I've had for a week--it all came to me exactly when I needed it as I've needed it. I'm grateful. It's hard to not choose to be happy when you're so thankful at everything that you see. That is--most days. Many times I am out of my mind with worry or insecurities. I don't want to give off some hippy, happy idea that's not the case. But mornings like this where it's dark like it's going to rain and people are mowing the lawn before it starts. The coffee is mixed exactly like I love it, I'm listening to oldish Wilco and I'm planning to make dinner for my friends, tonight--it's hard to focus on those things that can bogg down a brain.
I know not everyone feels that way this morning, and that's okay. When you feel full you can share with those who are running on empty. I hope I do that in measure. Come to my house, eat tacos. Feel the loves.