The Absolute Best Tips on Dating

So you've happened upon a ticket to an event that you weren't previously aware of and are, likely, barely interested in but now your stomach is all up in knots--filled with societal expectations and self-doubt. Congratulations, you're a man now! What do you do? Well, you'd better instigate courtship. But how?! I'm here to help. Well, me and this video.

For those of you who can't watch the video--I'll break it down for you. This will also be helpful for people who need a little extra advice, some more oomph and detail that a 12 minute PSA simply can't provide. Also, while this advice is timeless--I'll try to break it down into a way that will relate to those of us who are courting in the 21st century. Ready? Let's go!

The first thing to remember is that your first date should be something that causes you great anxiety. For the most part, you're not embarking on this adventure because it's something you're interested in, after all. You're just trying to prove something to yourself.

How Do You Choose A Date?
Well, there are so many girls to choose from. It's important to pick the right one. If you were attracted to anyone in particular, it could be helpful but that's not necissarily the case. That would add an additional level of excitement that is best left for more experienced daters. Tip: it's best to keep feelings out of the equation for as long as possible. Heck, some people maneuver a whole lifetime without exhibiting any emotion whatsoever. Later, they will be labeled as "sociopaths" but, later you'll be an embittered middle aged man with a quickly diminishing retirement plan. You'll have other things to worry about.

There are three sorts of girls in this world. Pretty girls, ugly girls, and somewhere in-between girls.
Pretty girls will intimidate you because they're so aware of how pretty they are.
Ugly girls will bore you because they're so aware of how ugly they are.
In-between girls have just the right balance. They're easy to look at, but they are also so accustomed to having to work for attention that they'll constantly be craving your approval and sending subconscious signals that they give enthusiastic head. Tip: Middle-of-the-road girls give the best head. Even the narrator agrees. Before the taping of this PSA, there was a rousing game of Boff, Kill, Marry and it was unanimous: Janice, Betty, Anne.

How Do You Ask for a Date?
First of all, when you're asking for her, use your real name. It's a terrible idea to let your date's parents know right off the bat that all your friends call you Woody. Your mom calls you Woody, too but that's because she doesn't get it. Because she's a woman.

But let's get real, you're not going to call her. People don't call people. They meet on the internets. Or, if they have met in person, they text one another. Phone calls are for emergencies, or relaying quick bits of information, not for anything that would provide you with any sense of vulnerability. You'll have no technology to hide behind in the event that you need to quickly abort. But that doesn't remove the fact that you have to do it right because if you do it wrong, she'll pretend to have other plans. Real talk: she doesn't really have other plans. When you communicate with this girl on Facebook, get it right. You can't afford to screw this up.

Don't be too shy. She will reject you.

From Woody (Tues 12:46 am): I have a ticket to a thing. And it says I can bring someone else so if you don't have anything else going on but you probably do so don't feel like you have to say yes unless you want to say yes. It's on Saturday, the thing. So let me know.
From Woody (Tues 12:56 am): Obviously you aren't interested. Sorry to bother you.
From Woody (Tues 12:58 am): Oh, it's the Hi-Teen Carnival. But we won't be getting high. Unless you wanna. I could probably score something off Barry--he owes me a favor anyway. Let me know--if you wanna. Or not. It's up to you. Saturday.
From Anne (Wed 10:00 am): Well, really? No, thanks, Woody.
And then she will click "reply" and shake her head at your pathetic nature. You blew it.

But, don't be too cocky. She will reject you.

(Posted to Anne's public FB wall) From Woody (four minutes ago): U + Me = fknnn!! Saturday!
From Anne (a three seconds ago): Well, I guess I'm busy.
From Woody (a few seconds ago): Ura bitch
From Betty (a few seconds ago): Woody, I'm not busy on Saturday.

Do it just right. She will always accept. After she checks with her ma and pa.

Text from Woody at 5:32 pm: Hey, if you're not busy on Saturday do you want to meet up at the Hi-Teen Carnival?
Text from Anne at 6:14 pm: Can we go to the bar and heckle the karaoke-rs afterward?
Text from Woody at 6:14 pm: Yes. Yes we can.

And Woody will flop down on his bed and fantasize about Anne eating cotton candy.

If Anne really is busy, though, and you don't feel like waiting for a time when she's not busy. Call Betty.

A few quick tips for the ladies (because, really, your only responsibility is to show up, look pretty and laugh too much): try to dress like a substitute teacher. And not the slutty kind who gives you stickers at the end of the day. The mean ones who mispronounces everyone's names. Sleeves. Collars. Long hemlines. Leave it all to the imagination.
Also, don't be upset if your date is cheap--if you leave him with enough money, he'll be able to take you out again. Or he'll stop at Chipotle on the way home.
If your date gets a flat tire on the way to picking you up--run away. Anyone who encounters a freak accident on such a sacred occasion is a dead-beat and best to be avoided.

Sudden Plot Complication: Flowers? A do or a don't??
The rule of thumb in this video is that you should only bring flowers if it is a momentous occasion--like prom or the first time you're going to go all the way (which is obvi the case with Ed and Mary, this evening).
In real life, I don't know anyone who ever expected flowers on a date (I don't know anyone who dates). Most girls I know would rather get flowers when they've been sick or if it's their birthday. Tip: Always on Valentines day. Even if she says she doesn't believe in commercialism and yadda-yadda-yadda--she wants flowers, okay? She doesn't know it until noon on February 14th, though, so you should just plan ahead or she'll be a little bit pissed. Mostly at herself but she'll take it out on you.

On your date you will learn that all of your fantasies about Anne are true! Hooray! She throws darts. She looks to you when she's proud of herself. She butts in line at the Fortune Telling booth. And oh my god, the hot dog. She's starts out so delicately with the very tip. This is proving to be a fruitful evening.

How Do You Say Goodnight?
Sealing the deal is probably one of the most awkward parts of the evening. Neither of you want to admit that you'd like to touch each other's no-no places just a little bit before you go in the house but you don't want to give the impression that you're totally opposed to the idea. What to do?

Obviously don't just go for the kill. You know just as well as I do that if both of you have had a good time, you'll both be into it. But you can't do that--you didn't even think to buy her flowers, tonight. Not to mention her roommate is home and probably stoned on the couch and won't leave you two alone even if you drop totally obvious hints. It's just not in your best interest. Plus, you took her to the "Hi Teen Carnival", she wasn't expecting this to go anywhere so she didn't shave her legs.

Closing on a first date that doesn't involve any alcohol is totally easy, tell each other how much fun you had. Stand a little too close, and whisper something about how you'd like to do this again sometime. She'll get the shivers. Tip: Don't wait a freakin' week to call her. If you like her, text her when you get home or some time the next day, at the latest. If you don't like her, avoid her. You don't owe her anything--unless you owe her something.
When you get home, you will feel the desire to text her a picture of your erect penis. Tip: do not do this. That is strictly third date behavior.

And that's how you successfully maneuver a first date. I hate to break it to you, though, the second date is where things start to really get tricky.