Sunday, January 1, 2012

And a Happy New Year to You...

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll
take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

There's a little part of me that feels like or wonders if this--Saturday night, the night that we all drink more than we would on an ordinary night in my apartment and we will all laugh and wear too much eyeliner and kiss and kiss and kiss at a predetermined time.  This New Year's Eve party could easily be the turning of a page. I certainly won't say "end of an era" but we all know that there will be bookmark events that occur in the next year--just like they always do. I have already begun to bookmark parts of 2011 by saying things like,
"Was that before or after we started hanging out with Katie?"
"I'm pretty sure that was after you joined IHAL."
"That happened shortly before he died."

For the first time in my life, I'm wondering "which one of us won't be around for this next year?" I still haven't talked about the event much, here. I'm not totally sure if I could or if I should but my friend died very unexpectedly this year and it makes you feel, "to what other precious thing should I hold more tightly?"

I find myself living a different sort of life than I believed I had before. I live a life that has much to lose. Sometimes it's too scary to keep going but the world doesn't stop just because you're having an emotional crisis. You wake up. You step out of bed and each step thereafter is in confidence that the ground won't give out this time. This is what it's like to be in love, to have I've-got-you types of friendships, to like to go to work. To be so tooth-acheingly happy and so scared that you're going to lose it all at once. The other night as I was driving down the highway behind Ryan, I kept picturing his tail lights swerving off into a ditch and what would I do? I didn't tell him that I thought about that. I couldn't possibly fill him in on every irrational thought that pops into my head--I'd have a full-time job of it. That's what writers get paid to do. But that's what it's like to be in a happy spot in life, sometimes. For me, anyway. I know this blog gives off the impression that I'm too happy--and I am, in the grand scheme. I still have those days with the fits and the staring out of windows and the unbearable sadness. But I have found ways to pack it up and carry it along while I go about my day. Sometimes you lay it down and other times you do not. This is what I can only describe as realistic happiness; an ivory table cloth upon which there has been eaten a chocolate cake. I imagine there will be a perspective change or three by this time next year. We'll see.

And I bring to you a list of three lists:
15 Favorites of 2011, in which I will make a list of the greatest things that I experienced in 2011--big and small.
10 Hopes for 2012, in which I think of things that would make this new year a happy year.
5 Goals for 2012, in which I try to tackle something more realistic than "resolution".

1. New friends. It is difficult to make friends when a grown-up moves to a new town and doesn't have classes or a cafeteria to force relationships with people. Not being in college can be so weird. When I moved here, I hoped for friends but I just knew that I'd never again have the types of friendships that I had when I was at MidAmerica. I thought that no one would ever really understand me and never really want to hang around me when I'm sick or in a grouchy mood or unimpressive. As it turns out--I'm not really the only one who felt that way. I have developed a vast array of acquaintances and a very small group that I am very happy to call my friends. Some friends are every-day friends and some friends are twice a month friends but all of them are completely precious. A little part of me was, initially, hesitant to become close with these people for a myriad of irrational reasons, one of which being that I thought that it would mean that I would have to love my dear friends from college, Alyssa and Jamie and Gina, less. But I'm learning that's not true at all.
2. Going to the Cosmosphere with Justin and Katie and Ryan in March. This was the first time that I ever hung out with Katie and the first time that I ever hung out with Justin--outside of work. Justin wore Stan, an incredible t-shirt.
3. Scentsy. Is this totally lame? Maybe it is but I still love it. My sister started selling it and I'm hooked. I'm going to start selling it, too, because I have an addiction and Sarah's moving away. I never thought I'd be the kind of person who sells this kind of crap but I'm doing it, everyone. Even the boys in my life use Scentsy, now. The other day, I came home from work and my sister had plugged a warmer in underneath the kitchen cabinet and had "Christmas Cottage" warming and my heart just about melted. It was delicious and felt very homey.
4. New Girl. 2011 is the year of Zooey Deschanel and yes, she is getting to be a tad overwhelming but I love this show. It has replaced Dexter as the only television show that I will make an effort to see--and even then, not much of an effort, but I do try.
5. My Halloween costume. I worked so hard on this bad boy and it was an unmitigated success. Colorful, so comfortable, easy to wear and about three pounds of hot glue. I don't know how I'm going to not wear this again next year.
6. Bossypants. Oh, Tina, could I possibly love you any more? I'm not sure but I'm up to the challenge. Tina Fey makes me want to take improv classes. She makes me want to be... completely cool.
7. Ani's Wedding was the most gorgeous and realistic wedding that I've ever been too.
8. Pinterest has completely revolutionized my creative life. Instead of wondering, "I wonder if it'll look stupid for me to wear leggings and ankle boots." I'll go over there and search "leggings and ankle boots" and then get a picture like this and decide that I, too, can pull off a version of that. Or, I've got jewelry everywhere but I'm not terribly interested in buying anything to organize it. So... search and voila. I could find a box like that at a thrift store so easy. Coat of paint--peg board. Done.
9. Royal's First Show. That whole trip, beginning to end, was pretty overwelming and fun. I'm excited to see what the boys are going to do, this year.
Numbers 10-15 are secrets. Not because they're juicy or incriminating or anything like that. Just because they are wrapped up tightly for me. Just for me to ponder all of these things in my heart--like Mary.

1. I hope Jamie and JD come home.
2. I hope Alyssa and Jeremiah find a much more permanent place to stay.
3. I also hope they develop nice, close friendships--a community.
4. I hope Ed and Ange get a baby.
5. I hope all of my nieces and nephews and brothers and sisters and adjust quickly to their respective moves and that they all draw closer and closer to one another.
6. I hope I handle the relocation of so many people with grace and dignity (though I did cry last night when I hugged Kasey goodbye--for real this time).
7. I hope Katie falls hopelessly into reciprocated love. With herself and with a boy.
8. I hope Justin moves to Pennsylvania and finds that he is honestly, truly and undeniably happy.
9. I hope that Andrew stays around McPherson for a good, long, while.
10. I hope that Ryan does not stop being so delusional about me.

In lieu of "resolutions" I'm going to make a short to-do list with measurable activities. This year, I would really like to cultivate creativity in myself.

1. Give this blog a make-over.
2. Turn a little bit of my home (either in the guest bedroom or the unused corner of the dining facility) into a creative space that is full of can-do attitude and a sewing machine. 
3. Craft something useful (either for myself, my home, or another person) once a month. (One goal, specifically: I want to sew a dress by the end of the year.)
4. Spend considerably less time on Facebook. I waste more time in front of that "social" network. A measurable goal? A combined total of one hour per day.
5. Keep my gorgeous hardwood floors from collecting dust and cat hair and bunnies in the corners by giving it a thorough sweep once a week. Yeah, this is something I am actually writing into my date-book. Once I get a date book. I'm not super pumped to part with the one I have now. I love it too much. Time to browse etsy and see what I can find. This one, perhaps?

Have you any goals/ hopes for 2012?

1 comment:

Ani said...

aw, man. our wedding made your list. that is so neat. :)

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