Dear Bruno Mars,

When did we first meet, Bruno? I think it was when you sang that darling little melody, "I wanna be a billionaire so fuckin' bad..." And, let's be honest, it was pretty endearing. I hadn't seen a boy like you since Michael Jackson and young, young Little Richard made that seemingly scientifically impossible love child. You were cute but if we're being completely honest, and that's what this letter is--an exercise in honest feelings, I think that a lot of my love for you was run-off appreciation from this insatiable crush I've had on Travie McCoy since before he dated Katy Perry. Bruno... I think you're like the friend of a friend that started hanging out with our group and then never really left even though everyone only likes you for a little while. Is that okay to say? You're nice and all. You're even funny and entertaining but you're kind of an attention junkie. My guess would be you're the youngest in your family. When this is over I'm going to Wiki that to see if I'm right.

So, yeah, there was Billionaire and I couldn't get enough of that. In fact, I kinda would like to hear it again right now. But I won't do that because it's going to distract me. But then you did that song with B.o.B and I thought it was still a little bit flattering and a little bit fun and because I was clearly going through an adorable hip-hop stage. But, lyrically--and I know this isn't all your fault--kind of pretty cheesy. "No matter where I'm at--girl you make me wanna sang. Whether a bus or a plane or a car or a train--no other girl's on my brain and you're the one to blame." Really? Yeah? While we're at it, would you like us to put our hands in the air like we just don't care? But I let you have it because you're the friend of a friend (who doesn't seem to be hanging out that much anymore and yet you're still showing up at my house when I really just want to sit down with a bag of chips and watch reruns of Wings without anyone there looking at me) and I will mock you a little bit behind your back but for the most part we're still friends.

And then you started putting out your solo stuff on the radio. I will admit that this was a great way to market yourself, you know? Give everyone a little bit a little bit at a time and then when they're hungry for you--what? Overpower them with your flavor?! Sheesh. You came fresh out the gate in a frenzy! You were singing about how pretty I am and that was adorable the first time and only the first time. Because then I started paying attention to the words and now I'm that pissed off girlfriend who has no right to be pissed off because you're trying to be nice but the more that you talk the more you just sound like a dick.

"Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying." Actually, Bruno, I've been glued to youtube tutorials, blow drying and producting the shit out of my hair to make it look like I didn't try at all. But it's cute that you think that.
"She's so beautiful and I tell her every day." Well, hon, you see "beautiful" should really be reserved for maybe the specialist most "damn girl" kind of times. "Beautiful" is a little over the top, don't you think? And "amazing"? Is "amazing" the word you're going to choose to stick with every day? You're amazed? Last week I farted in the car. Did you forget that? No, Bruno, no, I'm not mad I'm just--I don't think you get it. That's all. Thank you. Thank you for thinking I'm beautiful. Every day.
"If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same." See, perfect is kind of on the same page with "beautiful" and "amazing". So... can we just go with "you look pretty today?" Or maybe, "you smell nice?" or "it's cool that you didn't fart in the car, this time." I don't know. Let's just try to be realistic.
"Don't even bother asking if you look okay--you know I'll say you're amazing just the way you are." Gaah! So what you're saying is that I shouldn't even ask because you already have this stock answer that you're always going to use no matter what? You don't think I look beautiful you're just saying it! You're saying, what? Like, you're tired of having to tell me how perfect and beautiful and amazing I am every friggin day even though it bugs the hell out of me that you do so? I mean geeez! You know, I never even asked. I am still not even sure how much I like you. We're so breaking up.

Then I get this email from you a few days later and you're all, "Easy come. Easy go. That's just how you live. Take take take it all but you never give."
Bruno, that's just not fair! We weren't clicking! I--I'm sorry that I didn't know you were so in love with me. Two weeks ago you were just a friend of a friend who has, since, moved far away. I haven't heard from him in so long and you're over all the time.
"Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss. You had your eyes wide open. Why were they open?"
Well, if you must know, they were wide open because you came at me from out of nowhere with your "beautiful" and "amazing" talk and you were just, like, on my face. I was taken by surprise. And so what if sometimes I like to kiss with my eyes open? That's my prerogative. You should try it. Not all the time, obviously, that's strange.
"Tell the devil I said, 'hey' when you get back to where you're from." Wha? What? I just--you. That's not fair! I'm a nice girl.
"Darlin' I'd still catch a grenade for you!" You don't need to do that. I'd never ask you to do that. And I can't imagine that I'll ever be anywhere near a grenade. So let's just take that off the table.
"I'd throw my hand on a blade for you." Unnecessary. Really.
"I'd jump in front of a train for you." Yeah, now, that's just going to kill us both.
"I would die for you, baby. But you won't do the same." No. I won't. Because that's unrealistic. I barely know you and you've been kind of cute for the majority of our relationship but mostly really irritating. You're all over the place. You have a bouffant. You are on all of the radio stations. You're going to wear yourself out. Just calm down. Just calm the heck down. Take a day off.
"But darlin' I'd still catch a grenaaaade for you!!"

And then I didn't hear from you for a few days and that was nice. Until I checked my inbox and there was this video that you'd obviously shot in your bedroom with a webcam. So you did take a day off and write a song about how you're going to spend the day masturbating and learning how to Dougie. I know that you want me to feel like you're over us and I really hope that you are but I guarantee that you'll release something new in two weeks. Find true love, Bruno. Go forth. There are plenty of girls who would LOVE for you to impose self-harm on their behalf.

"Oh my god, this is great."