Saturday, July 31, 2010

Bless You for Following This Bunny Trail

"But the people on the street,
Out on buses or on feet,
We all got the same blood flow."

I'm doing so many things that I never thought I'd do. I don't mean stuff like, "I never thought that I'd actually do X,Y, or Z." What I mean is that I have never ever considered most of the things I've been doing lately. Granted, I'm also doing a lot of things that I have imagined myself doing. I don't know if it's a usual thing to think about but I remember being in college and laying on my bed in the daytime and fantasizing about going grocery shopping and picking up things like half-gallons of milk and toilet bowl cleaner and filling prescriptions and stopping at the liquor store for a bottle of white wine and bringing it all home and putting these things into their places in my home. And I'll probably be coming down from the idea of having my own home to myself for a really long time--but those are the things that I used to think about. I used to think about sending in stories to publishers and getting rejection letters in the mail. And those things are happening and I'm thrilled to see things that I always saw myself doing coming into fruition. Even if they are simple, basic desires. They're still what I want and what I'm doing and it's so... does it sound overly dramatic or trite to use the phrase "infinitely human?" Because that's what it feels like. I like feeling human. I like feeling ordinary and like my body is just one of millions and how it works and operates and what it requires in order to complete basic tasks is miraculous and by the exact same token, completely hum-drum.

I can't wait until I stop being amazed by the fact that I'm one of millions and start being amazed by the fact that I'm one of millions. The way I'm wrapped up in it right now feels pretty self-involved. I can be so in love with myself, I think you should know. It's one of those things about humanity that you have to accept and you have to ignore at the same time. Aside from our mass collection and the way our bodies work--that's fascinating, sure, but then there are things that you have to pile on like feelings and attitudes and perspective and personalities. It's amazing that any two people can stand to be in the same room with one another. I mean, doesn't it just blow your mind? That even two people on the planet could be considered compatible--and on top of that, there are legions. Even people who don't have any friends have someone who loves them even if it's their moms (and sometimes, honestly, that's the most surprising of all).

I suppose that's how life goes, though. No one imagines the real-life stuff the way that it actually turns out. For example, earlier this week I walked into some random church basement and sat and watched very old men play banjos and fiddles like they were teenagers, calling each other out and making the very old ladies holler. Everyone in that place was seventeen. Only when you're seventeen, you're concerned with visible panty line. When you're in your eighties, let me tell you, you're not concerned about your visible diaper pudge (of which there is plenty to go around). And it's great. When would I have ever encountered this scene on my own? Even if I had ever wondered about it--I assure you, I have never, I couldn't have imagined it the way that it actually manifested itself. Oh the things you learn just by living life in the most basic ways.
Every day I do something that I didn't see myself doing, the day before. Even if it's routine, when I was younger I never imagined my most boring days. Some days are indeed, quite boring but you never think about that when you're imagining pouring wine for your classy friends. Maybe one day I'll have actual wine glasses. But for now I'm quite--inexpressibly happy with what I have.

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