I was thinking about how irritated I was with all this starting over I've been doing. A year ago I was gearing up to "start over" in South Dakota. Thankfully that puttered out--I hated that whole damn place. I pretended that I didn't but faking it 'till you make it doesn't always work out. Then I came back to Olathe for do-over. That never really got off the ground. It wasn't even a false-start. I just stayed in the same place and hoped to get going. Now this new opportunity [read: an eviction notice of sorts] has presented itself and I'm going to start up a nice little life of my own in an apartment just above where my niece and nephew live.
Only maybe it's not always start-overs. Maybe these are just continuations of my life that give me opportunity and room to grow more and see more. "Do-over" gives the impression that I'm going to get it right this time, finally. But I'm not. I'm not going to get it all right from here on. I'm just doing it. Luckily for me, I find it only mildly irritating to realize that my life started a long time ago--I just never really got on board until now.
Lately I need constant stimulation. Quite honestly, left to myself and ten minutes, I could melt into a pretty pathetic puddle of existential dread. So to keep that from happening, I read. I walk a lot. I go to stores and wander around and don't buy anything. Last night I took myself out on a date. I went to the trouble of putting on fresh mascara and I even shaved my legs. Then we (me and my legs) went to the movies. I watched Night at the Museum and I will be honest--we had a great time. We went to Panda Express and ate a considerable amount of Chow Mein and potstickers and followed up with a fortune cookie that read: Your love life will be happy and harmonious (which I like to follow up with "in bed"--which is such good news, really).
Then I got to hang out with Jamie and JD and all I could think was, "Oh God. I'm so glad you're back." Granted--they will only be here for a little bit longer before transferring to South Korea, and I'll be here for an even shorter amount of time before transferring to McPherson. But I feel really good to know that my friends are no longer stuck in South Dakota for no reason other than stupid, effing contracts. Psh. Stupid effing contracts.
And I'm getting ready to work a 18 hour weekend at Noodles and Company. In preparation, I'm at the Latteland across the parking lot enjoying a Double Vanilla Tea Latte and thinking about how great the paycheck will be right before my move. How comforting. I have less than a week at this job that I've been with for a little over two months before I voluntarily join the jobless again. I'll take the comfort where I can get it. In the mean time, I'm going to think about how much fun Jamie's wedding is going to be and how excited I really am to go alone. I mean, just because you show up alone doesn't mean you're going home alone, now does it? I submit that it does not. ;-) I kid. I kid. Ish.
Love, Libby.
4 comments:
...it's so good to be free from said contract and the depressing desolation that IS South Dakota. I, too, hate that place. It sucks.
The fact that I'm currently 2 minutes away from where you're from...I'm in love with the reality of that.
yeah...that wasn't JD. I don't know how or why I was signed in as him.
Sometimes, starting over has a climactic edge to it. At times, it is a dream come true.
Though... if a person isn't wanting to start over, or does it so often that they can sniff out apartment rentals from a half a block away, it begins to suck. I admire your transience, but only in spirit. Does that make sense?
Yeah. That makes sense. I'm very tired of hopping from temporary to temporary but that's just the sort of life situation I've been in for a while. I'm settling into a more or less permanent situation now, and I'm relieved. Not permanent as in forever, maybe--maybe not, but permanent as in I could be relied upon to sign a three year lease if such a thing was required (which it's not, but still).
Tomorrow is moving day.
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