Thursday, June 10, 2010


I found this journal tonight. I started it close enough to exactly a year ago that it feels a little too bizarre that it just so happened to drop out of my bookshelf tonight. Here's what I was thinking a year ago...

June 8, 2009
Jamie and JD got married tonight!
It was gorgeous. At the most spectacular time of day. Everyone looked great. Even I looked great (luckily my dress covered my massive bruising well) [it should be noted that I was in a car accident two days before]. It was, however, in a park in Lawrence. And I stepped in a heaping, steaming pile of dog shit. Oh well, you work with what you've got. What I had was a stick, some handi wipes and an unrelenting paranoia that everyone knew it was me. Also I ran into [...] and all I could think about was where I'd like to place my newly acquired shit stick.
It was short. That was nice. They wrote their vows. I didn't cry until Jamie told him that since day one, she'd never had to fabricate any piece of him to fit her. That's what got me. He is honestly and truthfully himself and she is honestly and truthfully herself and I am excited--nay, honored, to be a character in their story. I'm particularly excited that JD is my friend, too, instead of just a snuffleupagus. God, they are good people.

[And then some stuff that probably, would be of considerable interest to you but I can't just go revealing everything, now can I? Leave something for the book deal.]

June 9, 2009
It's raining this morning and while many others see it as, at least, a terrible inconvenience, I take it as a good sign [boy, I sure to love a good comma, huh?]. I'm glad that I left the window open and I can smell that dirty, wet smell.
Last night I was feeling so small and uncertain. I was 98% sure I did the wrong thing. I promptly called Gina so that she would tell me that I was doing the right thing. And she did. And she told me that she's proud of me and that it will hurt and suck but that it will pass and that good things will come. I think she's right. [She was right.]
It's moving day. I'm moving to McPherson, KS. Sarah is going to drive to Olathe today. I will pack the car and then in the morning--she and Alyssa and I will take my stuff to its various destinations.
Last night Jamie and JD seemed pretty sad to see me leave. Especially when we all realized that I won't see them until they get back from Korea. JD hugged me hard and made me feel special. Jamie cried and her makeup ran and I cried--it's been an insane week, it was high time that I wail publicly. How can I go from living with these people so intimately to not seeing them again for at least a year--maybe two? Who knows? Our bond is different than I've ever had with anyone before. I can't explain it but I know why it is the way that it is... it's about survival. It's about jumping in feet-first into a dark and scary pit [everyone has a different pit that pit was South Dakota for us] and we were met with cold and spiders and goo and we all came out okay with mild residue and lessons learned and friendship and inside jokes.

June 18, 2009
Much has transpired in these past ten days. I am officially couch-surfing at Adam and Arryn's. Tomorrow = day one of my job at the deli. I hope it goes well. I hope I'm as eager and motivated to work as I was while I was in Olathe. There, I lived for working. I loved it. I hated days off because it meant just sitting around, staring at Alyssa and her staring back at me--equally bored. We talked about her baby. What ever did we talk about before Jeremiah happened?? Now, if I don't work, I'll walk to the library with Genesis or hold Amos while Arryn does the laundry. I feel useful here. But I am anxious about working. Excited to get a life that is different from A&A's. Excited about having friends. I should really start showering and wearing makeup. That's another thing that will change when I get my own place. I will have mine own space and freedom to move at my pace, on my own time, and not feel so in-the-way.

[Some more of that stuff that we're pretending you wouldn't be interested in.]

July 12, 2009 [I used to keep a journal so regularly but my upset in routine sure threw a kink in that]
I'm at church right now. This is the second time I've visited. Right now I feel the same way about church as I do about boys (... guys... men... what do you call them at my age?) : "Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me." I know that I won't get hurt if I don't get invested but if I don't get invested, then I'm just wasting my time. I know I'm just wasting my time.

And that's where it ended.

1 comment:

JD and Jamie said...

I like this post. But of course I would;) It's fun thinking back to that week, for obvious reasons. I remember crying more about you leaving than I did about anything else that day (point, Jamie). Haha. For real, though...our bond IS much different than any other that I have with anyone else. You're pretty much the only person I even care to talk to that's not related to me. (point, Libby)

I also really like that, after you pointed out how much you use commas, you only used 6 for the rest of your post;)

I miss you, Dude. And I like your new painty, splashy diggs!

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