I'm here at the coffee shop, where I can usually be found on my off days. At the table next to me are three guys who are clearly studying for a final in some pre-med class. I'm guessing that this particular class has to do with addictions and crap like that. They're studying doses of certain medicines to give to people who have been using alcohol and drugs and have secondary issues. For example, "Dude comes into the hospital. He got shot. But dude just took 7 shots of Jager. What can we give him for the pain?" My thought is: a few more shots and the guy won't feel a thing anyway. One guy just remembered that he got a new stethascope, he got so excited that he went out to his car to get it and show his study buddies. Awesome. Medical nerds. But, let's be honest, medical nerds get serious play.
I've been wanting to blog for a really long time. I've got a lot to figure out. I have a lot that I'm not willing to talk about in this, or many other venues. All that I know for now and for sure is that my plan is changing.
I've always been very excited by the fact that I never really had a plan. I just rode the wave. If life moved, I'd move back and we did this ractionary dance together and it was just fine. And that worked for a while. And then life said, "K. We're done living in South Dakota, so you're going to need to move in with your friends and come up with a plan. Oh, and then once you figure out that plan, it's not going to work out. Right. Also, once it starts to work out, you'll soon realize that it's not and you and I are going to tango, baby." I'm in the tango. Right now.
I went to McPherson and applied for the job that's supposedly "in the bag" for me. I still feel really nervous about it though. I've had a lot of perfect-for-me jobs completely ignore me. Genesis and I went apartment hunting. We found a perfect 600 sq. foot one bedroom for only $300 a month. I was thiscloseto calling the guy about it when I discovered that it doesn't have a stove or a refrigerator. That's kind of a big deal for me because I need to be able to both heat and cool my food (crap--pre-med guy just saw me looking at him. I was laughing at him because I just saw him checking out one of those lame, fake blond, fake tan girls that are a dime a dozen here in Johnson County). I told Genesis that I need an apartment with a fridge and stove and that has now become her mission. She and I went together to look at a duplex. It really is perfect for me and I love the hard wood floors and windows. I asked Genesis what she thought of it and she said thoughtfully, "Well, I think that it's a good home for you, Aunt Lib, because it has a stove."
Who knows if any of this is going to work out or if I'm even going to end up in McPherson or not. I do know that I want to be there. I want to be around Genesis and Amos and any other kids Adam and Arryn may happen to have. I have never considered moving here before, not in all seriousness anyway. I know that Olathe has nothing for me. I know I've been calling it my home but what makes it my home? I have... 2 friends here and they're all talking about leaving. We've all been talking about leaving. Trying so hard to make a home here, is like paying serious cash to alter an outfit that I bought at WalMart. It's not going to fit after the first washing, and it's never going to be what I wish it was. It will also have a weird little detail that you can't remove.
Part of never having a plan is never knowing what I was looking for and, therefore, never knowing when I get what I want. Maybe I need a picture of what satisfaction looks like for me. I mean, I realize that I'm not going to meet the rest of my life in the next two weeks. I still want to live in a lot of places. I still want to do a lot of things. I still want to be in love with someone who wants to be in love with me. I still might not really want to get married. I still probably won't have children that I planned on. I still will write and read and design and be happy with really mindless stuff like I am right now. I still will finish my degree. I still will go get my masters. I still will want to teach English Literature and writing to people who are older than 14. But that's still my whole entire life and I'm still only about a quarter of the way through my expected lifespan.
I'm not figuring out the next 75 years in the next two weeks. At most, I'm figuring out a year. It's important to see these things in small doses. It's why alcoholics have to take it one day at a time. Just one day at a time. Today I did all that was on my to-do list: Go to work. Come home from work. Call two landlords (shockingly, both have already rented out their one-bedroom perfect places).
Tomorrow I will start my day by making a whole new to-do list. It's going to include fun things like "get a pedicure with Alyssa" and things that I sometimes feel too intimidated to do, like "call about that effing job, don't be a wimp, just do it."